East Coast to West Coast

This was the biggest move I've ever made in my life. I don't regret one thing about this move...I just wish I ready more emotionally!

Over the years I've been noticing that I am a very emotional person. I just got SO good at hiding them and distracting myself so I don't have to deal with them. I did it so much that it became a habit and something that I never really knew I did.

I've been through a lot in the past 4 years and like i said , I just got so used to hiding emotions that I wouldn't notice when I was hiding them. At the times, that's what felt best for me to do. NOW it was completely harmful for me to do. I used to be embarrassed when I cried, got emotional and I for sure didn't want to accept that I might have depression or anxiety. I really didn't understand the terminology for it, but my mom is a psychiatric nurse and would let me know when she noticed I wasn't 'myself', after she would tell me that I would switch gears and act like I'm fine. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong with me...but at the time I probably could of gotten help and it would of prevented what's going on now!

I've never been more than 4 hours from my mom, let alone the place I grew up. Charlotte North Carolina is my 'home' if you will, we moved there from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania when I was 11 I think. I went to middle and high school in Charlotte, built a life there and was happy with my life somewhat. High school is always a place that you want to be the most popular, the best at anything...so I made sure I put myself into sports and activities that kept me busy. I hated being by myself so I made sure I was always doing something. When i met my current boyfriend my life changed FOR THE BETTER!

He brought so much out of me that I didn't know was me. He opened my eyes to another side of thinking and just life in general. After a year or so dating we moved to Georgia, which was only a 3-ish hour drive back to Charlotte. That was one of the most challenging moments I THOUGHT I was going through. At the time we didn't know what we were getting ourselves into and was just looking to better our lives. Unfortunately it was a rough year and a half but we left the horrible situation we were in. It wasn't because of us as a couple but I was a victim of discrimination, verbal abuse, harassment and I was in a hostile work environment. (I'll make a separate blog about that situation because it is something that needs to be talked about and STOPPED!)

Once we moved back to Charlotte in 2018 I was blessed to find my birth family. ( Stay tuned for my Adoption journey!) When I was growing up I knew that was going to be beyond EMOTIONAL for me. I thought I was mature enough after waiting 8 years but turns out...i don't think I would of ever been ready for that. I went through A LOT with that whole experience and to this day I'm still trying to deal with it. All of these years that I KNEW I was adopted than all of a sudden I do have a family that shares the same blood as me...its a feeling that is honestly indescribable. You DEFIANTLY want to stay tuned for that series...its a roller coaster!

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Recently in 2018/2019 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer...that's another emotional event that shook my whole world. I didn't know if I was going to get through it because I wasn't sure of the unknown. I looked forward to being back to myself after all of my treatments, I wanted to get away from my life and START FRESH! I wanted to see other parts of the world because GOD gave me another chance at LIFE! So that's when we made the decision to move to the west coast with the job promotion that my boyfriend worked HARD for.

In my eyes this was my perfect REDO, fresh start...no one knows who I am what I've been through and I get to make new first impressions. Little did I know all of those distractions that I worked hard building weren't following me to the Pacific North West. My dogs were staying with my mom, my friends obviously couldn't follow me and be my safety cushion but hey I'm always up for a challenge...right?!

Leading up to my move I did get really anxious just because I was moving two thousand miles across the country! I knew I most likely was going to be depressed just because I was used to being around someone or my dogs. Moving here, it's just me and my boyfriend! Which I LOVE!! It's been at least 2 years since we had our own place just because of my cancer, so it's nice to have our own house again...but boy do I MISS my dogs (and my humans lol). I also never really knew that I used my dogs as therapy...so once I moved here it really hit me that when I didn't even know it...my dogs were there for me no matter what. No judgement, no back talk (sometimes lol) they just let you hug them and in return they give kisses and their loyalty.

So here we are to today, my depression and anxiety are at it's all time high. I moved here with the impression of being able to find a job quickly...I'm stupid! I should of been looking a month before but I think I just had to confidence of the service industry...and that was the LAST thing I want to go back to. So I'm looking for more of a career along with starting a side business of selling crafts. I have been diligently looking for jobs but as we all know, it's required to have at least 2-3 years of experience in the field...so I'm striking out on some jobs BUT I'm not giving up. Since I don't have a job and money to go places I stay home. I'm not home all the time but MOST of the time. My boyfriend has to travel for work so sometimes I'm just by myself...since we've lived in Washington hes been gone 3 times and one of them was for 2 weeks.

Those 2 weeks were rough...I'm used to going 5 minutes to my friends house or I was going to work when he was gone, but here I'm just home. I try to craft, blog and stay active but its so HARD when you're literally by yourself and already have a self motivation problem.

I am HONESTLY thankfully for all of the struggles I've been through the past because I wouldn't be the person I am today or the person I want to become for my future. Everything I've been through is for a reason and even though it might of not made sense at the time but it does now. I've changed a lot over the past couple of years and it's caused me to loose a lot of relationships, my personality and just over all my-self. I knew moving all the way over here was going to be a challenge for me but I didn't know it was always apart of the plan God had for me. Thankfully this time has given me time to think about the good things and get back to who I really was! Thank you God for giving me another day on this earth to experience this life you created for us!