What changed you?

"GOODNESS CAN BE FOUND SOMETIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF HELL" -Charles Bukowski

Do you ever stop and think about the things that changed the way you now operate?! What made you change to healthy food? What made you change the way you look at life? What made you change the way you react to situations?

I remember in high school, my mom took me to get shots to prevent Cervical Cancer and the gynecologist always told me to check myself during my time of the month...but I was in my 20s, thinking NOTHING could ever happen to me like that, I'm too young...

One night I came home from work at like 3am and couldn't unwind from the "work nightlife", so I watched some TV and took a shower (like I always do). A thought just popped into my head, 'I haven't done an exam in a while.' I did one, just like I remembered...and the shower was the perfect place to do an exam. It took me .2 seconds to find a pee size lump in my right breast.

I stood in the water for at least 10 minutes because I was too scared to move..."This isn't cancer Liz". "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS"...I didn't even touch anywhere else because I was already FREAKED OUT. I contemplated waking my boyfriend up, I did anyways to see if I was really feeling A LUMP IN MY BREAST. I was beyond TERRIFIED and I'm a person that always thinks the worst...so sleep was not in my vocabulary that night.

Over the next couple of days I wasn't sure how to act or even react. I finally told my mom and moms always try to make it seem like everything is going to be okay...but deep down I knew it wasn't okay. I was in-between jobs at the time so I didn't have insurance and I was honestly just SCARED! So I waited...I wanted to be happy...and forget about this possible health scare. After days and weeks of touching the lump to make sure it stayed the same size, I started telling myself that I need to figure this out. So I started searching around on google for insurance companies. I found one insurance that wasn't all that good but I was desperate at this point.

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I got an appointment and was in the next week! I want to STRESS to EVERY MAN & WOMAN out there...KNOW YOUR BODY. The gynecologist examined me and told me my lump "felt like normal fibrosis tissue" and I was TOO YOUNG to have to worry about it being cancer. I know my body and it wasn't "normal" for me. She than told me if I wanted a second opinion than she would set it up and with no hesitation. I said yes, I want another opinion. The next week I was in to see a radiologist. I wasn't sure of what to expect but I knew they were going to take an ultrasound of my breast. You best believe that I was watching everything they were doing. I used to want to become a nurse so it was interesting to me to see what technology can do inside the body. I saw the muscle and the ducts of my breast and there was the lump...in one of my milk ducts. The radiologist said "Oh yeah that's a freaky little thing but it doesn't scream out cancer to me!" So I had a sigh of relief...if this lady is saying its nothing than it must be...than she also said she wanted to get a biopsy just to rule out cancer for my sanity.

October 18th of 2018 was the day I got the biopsy of the lump. When I tell you I watched EVERYTHING and FELT EVERYTHING...I'm not lying. They placed a wedge under my right shoulder blade to get a better view...once they located the lump they started the procedure. As much numbing medicine I got, it didn't make a difference. I watched them pull the needle out of the safety cap & took a deep breath...the radiologist pushed the needle in the side of my breast so hard...because she had to go from the side all the way to my nipple & through muscle tissue...I felt that. After they paved a way...out came the biopsy clipper (its probably not called that but that's how I remember it lol) , this thing sounded like a legit staple gun...I had to lay there with my arm above my head as they clipped pieces of tissue...again I FELT EVERYTHING! Tears started rolling down my face just because I was simply scared and NEVER thought I would be going through this.

The biopsy lasted maybe 10 minutes but it was the longest 10 minutes ever. A week later I received a phone call at 7:53 am from the radiologist. I was half asleep and she could tell because she wanted me to give her call back...my heart sank...I started to smile bc that's what I do in uncomfortable situations than I started to cry when she told me to grab a pen and paper.

"Your test came back positive for Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer."

Well SHIT! All I remember was going down stairs to my mom, thankfully she was home... she was packing for her two week vacation. The lady was instructing me on my next steps and I don't even know what she said, it went in one ear and out the other after she told me I HAVE CANCER! I gave the phone to my mom and showed her the paper and just broke down.

I've never had a feeling like that, I'm not even sure how to describe it...all I can say is I was out of breath, I cried, I was angry, I wanted to throw up...I didn't know how to even look at myself the same.

Breast Cancer changed me.