Are you okay?

I wanted to take this time and really ask you if you're okay?! It's not an open ended question, it's a REAL question. I am concerned that there are a lot of people who suffer from depression and anxiety...like myself who sometimes aren't okay but put on an act. There's nothing wrong with it but sometimes it can be too much to handle! So I'm asking if you're honestly okay!

Just last week, well Saturday I had a mini break down. I woke up in a good mood like I'm going to have a good day, the sun is out and I'm going to be productive. Well I did my normal morning routine and went downstairs...I saw the couch and instantly turned the TV on and got sucked in. After an hour or so of melting into the couch I was tired again and annoyed. I felt like I wasting the day away because I knew we were going to be ordered to "STAY HOME" in the up coming week so I needed to get fresh air. My mood changed , I went back upstairs and laid back down...why you ask...I HAVE NO IDEA! My mood was just off and my face said don't bother me right now. Ten minutes of laying in bed I flipped the covers over and said 'get the f*ck up'...I got up and changed into some work out clothes & I went on a walk!

( If I would of let my depression control me, I would of missed this beautiful day)

It's been hard finding a job that isn't in the service industry, I'm trying to find a career or something that I would enjoy working at not just because I need work (but it's coming to the point where I need to get SOMETHING/ANYTHING lol). So I pretty much have been at home and sometimes I'll force myself to get outside and explore this beautiful state, but somethings cost money and gas to get to. I have to reserve the money and gas I do have for bills and food. Knowing that I have no cash flow is depressing in itself and I hate asking for help and than a whole bunch of negative thoughts come in my mind and it just changes my mood. My boyfriend is AMAZING and has been here for me since day 2015. Through my cancer journey, depression, finding my birth family, emotional breakdowns...and now this, he's just been my actual ROCK! I'm the type of person that hates asking for money but at the end of the day this is a relationship/partnership & we both would do what we needed to for the other if they needed! He has definitely over the years helped my trust increase!

(He also took me out of the house that day to try to see a waterfall but due to the virus it was closed...but we got to find a town that we didn't know was there!

Thank you babe, I love you!)

( This is the town of Cascade Locks, Oregon )

I'm not going to lie, I MISS MY DOGS, FAMILY, and FRIENDS! They were my distractions and in a way my

therapy. Especially my dogs! I used them as my safety blanket, they always love you no matter what and will let you hug them while crying...THEY WILL HUG YOU BACK TOO! I just got so used to going to my friends house or being with my dogs when I was feeling down so it distracted the feelings from coming. But I quickly was realizing it was only hurting me more than helping. I also stared realizing my moods when I miss them. If I'm depressed when I'm missing them it sends me into a deeper depression because I'm not with them but if I'm happy/in a good mood...I'll still get emotional but it's a happy emotion. The memories bring me joy instead of sadness.

Like I said earlier it's not as easy as I thought getting a job but to add this virus on top is almost impossible...and I shouldn't really be out anyways because I am still at risk even though I'm CANCER FREE and months out from treatment...almost a year! I have forced my self to get out of the house to explore this beautiful state that we had the privilege of moving to! Nature has also become another therapy outlet for me! Looking at the natural beauty of the Earth is AMAZING to me. It really is Gods' artwork!

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When I was going through my cancer journey I knew it was going to be a rough situation physically and emotionally! I knew I needed help because I was quickly noticing how much of an emotional human being I really am. I decided to break the thoughts of how I would look to others if I need to go to a counselor, so I asked to talk to one after I finished Chemo. In high school I would of been embarrassed to say that I needed help because in a way back then it made you look weak...that's just how I felt! I wanted to look like I had my stuff together when deep down I was hiding it away and finding distraction. Now at twenty-eight years old I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I NEED HELP, when I need it. I learned to recognize my feelings and emotions in that moment so if it happened again in the future I could find another solution to break the cycle.

One of the lessons that stuck with me from one of my sessions was a mindfulness exercise. Mind you I still was trying to get used to being open again with a counselor and I told myself not to cry in these sessions. I said AGAIN because I was in counseling that was court ordered and at that time I said and did what ever I thought they need so I could be done with the order. I didn't take it seriously because I didn't want people to know what was going on and I tried to stay under the radar. Now I'm able to say it because I know no one else could understand what I'm trying to express and counselors give you a different look on situations and give you helpful resources.

My counselor told me to shut my eyes and sit comfortably in the chair and just breathe. She calmly started to tell me to recognize my surroundings, like the chair I'm sitting in, notice where my hands

are placed on my lap, notice how my chest is rising and falling with every inhale and exhale, recognize what the breath does inside my body, how the oxygen flows to every organ in the body and than she brought awareness to my breathing and to deepen my breath. She wanted me to let the thoughts that came in my mind to come, address the emotion attached to the thought, than let it go or out with an exhale! I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING in my body but I started feeling a tingling sensation and it freaked me out...so I opened my eyes! It was NORMAL to feel that and she re-assured me that it is absolutely OKAY to feel what you feel and how you feel! So we started from the beginning and and once I started to breathe deeper...the tears were flowing! I sat there with my eyes closed and breathing deep, once I was finished with the emotional release my eyes just opened on their own and I FELT AMAZING!

When I get into depression it's just a spiral of negative thoughts that have nothing to do with why I was originally depressed and it would change my mood for the whole day! I knew with this "STAY HOME" order it was only going to get worse. I didn't want to be stuck on the couch and be glued into the TV. It's not worth it during the day because in all reality, that episode is going to be there at night and that viral video will still be viral once your ready to relax at the end of the day. I get it sometimes it's nice to be completely lazy and by all means do it but not all the time. We can use this time to REALLY connect with ourselves, REALLY UNDERSTAND who we are and IMPROVE ourselves. I have been searching and searching for the same mindfulness exercise but nothing made me feel the same, so I kind of fell back into my old bad habits. I could never really get into the gym and when I would try and see results, I would be satisfied with that. I tried yoga before but I thought it was hard and gave up on that too, until recently when I knew if I didn't change something to improve my mental health...I was going to have a break down!

I started asking my friends who did yoga what channels they watched and they would refer some but, it didn't work the same for me like it did for them...I didn't have a connection to the person. So I did my own research on YouTube and I came across this one channel that had mediation so I thought I would give it a try...I CONNECTED to her style of teaching, and her calmness reminded me of my counselor and I was brought to tears in the 15 minute meditation. I ran downstairs to tell my boyfriend I FOUND WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR. I tried one of her yoga videos and I fell in LOVE with how I felt after, like I had more energy and more awareness of my body and breathing so I rewarded myself with a bubble bath and Disney+.

I'm not at all as flexible as I was high school but this is stretching things that I needed to stretch and in a way it felt like weight lifted off my shoulders! So I have made it a point to make sure I do yoga and or a meditation every day! I want you to understand, I never would of been like this but obviously what I have been doing in the past hasn't helped me so I need to make a CHANGE and this is a positive change that will eventually help my character.

It's spring outside and this "STAY HOME" order is for everyone's safety but its not also to be taken literally. It is still safe to go outside and get some sun! GO OUTSIDE! You can walk to your mailbox, walk in your back yard, take a blanket outside on your driveway or lawn and watch the clouds go by like we did when we were kids. Read a book outside, play with your dogs in the back yard or journal. Get in touch with your creative side and take some printer paper, colored pencils or markers and go outside and BE A KID AGAIN! You can do some at home work outs outside if you don't feel comfortable going on a walk while practicing social distancing. Whatever you do, don't go to a populated area...you just need to get outside when it's nice out and it will help change your mood and outlook on the day!

Take this virus seriously but also take YOUR MENTAL HEALTH seriously too! I wanted to make sure everyone knows that I am also human and it is hard to let people know how I truly feel, but at the end of the day I just hope my experiences can help others and inspire them to get help or advocate for themselves! So I ask again, ARE YOU OKAY?

Please please please take this time to really connect with yourself and address what ever is bothering you and DEAL WITH IT! It's okay to not be okay...don't be ashamed, your not alone!

CHOOSE HAPPINESS, WE ALL DESERVE IT !

***During this time, please make sure if you need help you reach out to ANYONE! Feel free to reach out to me with no judgement or family and friends. Or if you need help trying to find some where to find help, I'll try my hardest to help. We all need to be aware of our mental health during this time of uncertainly and stay safe!***