I was molested...

Where do I begin?

I was molested.

It DAMAGED me.

I didn't know if I was ever going to get back to the person that I use to recognize.

I didn't do ANYTHING.

Wait...did I do something?

I didn't change my appearance, I'm just...me.

But I don't feel like me.

I smile to act like every thing is PERECTLY fine. I can't show that something is bothering me because I don't know how to talk about it. Will anyone even believe that this happened to me? Will they look at me differently? I can't let this keep happening but I'm scared to speak up...I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.

Are you ever just so tired? So tired you don't care what is going on around you anymore?

I'm TIRED...

I want my life back...

I want to feel normal...

I want to just FORGET this ever happened!

Every time I tried to tell myself it was "the last time" but I never did anything to make it be the last time.

I felt weak...helpless...

I never thought I would be in this position...

I started sympathizing for the person that was hurting me. I started thinking what they "might" be going through for them to do this to me (I know...it's kind of gross). I pushed my morals, emotions and pain to the side...it was easier! I began to give in to the thought of this never stopping but I secretly would pray to God that one day I would be strong enough to make this STOP! It was like a BAD DREAM I could never wake up from.

The thoughts followed me 24/7.

I couldn't escape.

After a year or so a small window of opportunity came. It just so happened to be in the conversation my sister and I were having. I didn't directly tell her, but she could obviously tell that I NEEDED HELP! I made her promise not to say anything...even though I tried to play it off as a joke (just to protect people). She ended up telling our mom...ugh

more emotional stress to add on top.

For a while I became good at putting those thoughts behind me and becoming numb to the subject. I would block those particular incidents, block the emotions but that all came to an end when I had to tell her SOME of the incidents.

Honestly, my mom was the main person I was trying to protect. I know it sounds weird but I wasn't sure of how she would take the news. I didn't know what the hell she would do. She could of brushed it off, said I don't know what I'm talking about or just looked at me differently. That's what I imagined in my head. But my mom and I have such a special bond. She's not a very emotional person but she was HURT. That was the first time I ever saw her cry. I didn't want to add anymore stress to our lives! She was hurt that I wasn't comfortable enough to come to her, hurt I was thinking about her feelings instead of myself and my own safety. She was hurt that this even happened to me...than she got ANGRY.

She called the cops.

The person got arrested and processed.

Thankfully the person didn't deny the charges.

You would think I would have a sense of relief...right?! I didn't. I felt horrible. I just ruined somebody's life. They're going to jail, they could get hurt...wait why am I thinking like that?

FOR REAL guys, that whole you start to think about your abuser in a different way is real...because I felt like it was starting to happen to me. I didn't want anything bad to happen and it was because I said something. That's how big my heart is. Even when I'm getting hurt, I always think about other people.

CRAP, now they know I OBVIOUSLY said something.

Ugh...what did I do?! Now I have to go to court and testify?! I didn't sign up for that. I have to go to counseling?! I defiantly didn't sign up for that. Why can't we just forget about this. I was already SO embarrassed about this happening to me, now we have to add on counseling, the possibility of my friends finding out AND talk about it...

ugh WHAT DID I DO?!!!

Of course I tried to keep this from as many people as I could, I would of kept it from the rest of my family...but it's hard when you have EIGHT other siblings.

I ended up missing a big part of the school year (extra curricular activities and socializing) just because of the court hearings, my counseling sessions and my depression.

Counseling drained me. I tried telling them what I thought they wanted to hear so I could get out of there faster...but they knew what I was doing. I HATED when they would ask "And how did/does that make you feel?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Don't you think you know how I would feel if this happened to you?! They respond..."It didn't happen to me, so I don't understand how you feel."

"It makes me feel awful...can I go now?"

That's when I really started noticing I was blocking emotions, events, and started to make 'another Liz'. A Liz that wasn't damaged. A Liz that was happy, innocent and free. I got so good at acting like everything was completely FINE 24/7. Eventually, it caught up to me and I knew I couldn't stay depressed in silence forever.

After a couple of months of counseling some of the things they taught me started to stick with me. I started experiencing anxiety & they taught me how to breathe through it, how to calm myself by naming things that are in the room. When I have a huge fiery ball of emotion that comes from NOWHERE...LET IT OUT! After its out...you feel calmer. Color, it relaxes you! Write! Write a letter to whoever hurt you or whatever hurt you and let all of your feelings and emotions out...but don't give them that letter. Its for your peace and to help heal you in the long run.

The most important lesson I took away from my counseling sessions was forgiveness. It was the only thing that was going to set me FREE from being a victim. I chose forgiveness for MYSELF! Not for the other person but for me. I knew this wasn't who I was and the road I was going down wasn't the place for me. It feels weird and wrong to say that I forgave the person that HURT , DAMAGED and CHANGED me...but it was the freedom and clarity I needed to be able to start FRESH.

I needed to let go of the HATE I had. It was only hurting me in reality. It changed my personality and my outlook on life. I was always angry. I was taking everything personal. I never smiled. This changed my wants, needs, my morals, my opinions, my decisions and my LIFE. I wanted to have the CONTROL of my life back in my power.

"This is MY body and MY life, HOW DARE YOU...but I forgive you...for MYSELF!"

Once I said those words, an actual weight was lifted off my shoulders. My pain, anger, depression, anxiety and trauma was ABSOLUTLEY still there, but now that it's out in the open...it gave me the opportunity to move on from being a victim to a recovering survivor!