I was scared, but I'm back!

You know the older you get the more you learn about yourself...sheesh!

So I have been gone for a couple of weeks, almost a month. I needed the break honestly. I think it showed in how all over the place my previous posts are...but don't get me wrong I don't regret making them, they're just all over the place. Mainly because blogging is still SO new to me and I didn't want to focus on JUST ONE part of my life.

I wasn't sure of how to approach all of the experiences and advice on my blog. To be honest I didn't even know how I wanted my blog to be set up, I just kind of did it. I was hoping that it would come to me as I went. I think I got so caught up in how other blogs were and how I THOUGHT I was supposed to do this a certain way. I have a problem with changing myself in a way that I think others will be more accepting of me...but the older I get the more I notice it and that's not me. I'm NOT a follower, I have my OWN voice. I have my OWN thoughts and opinions. I have my OWN creative side that was made for me. That's okay! I have RESPECT for myself and I have been more aware of myself lately and I have to say it's AWESOME!

I am more open to admitting my flaws than I used to. I admit when I'm wrong or being too much to handle! I love being organized but when I start to get overwhelmed that's when my scattered thoughts come into play. I want to do it all, I want to say it all, I want everyone to know my story all at once. I even get crafting blocks and I'm noticing that's when I'm getting #stressed or my #anxiety is HIGH. I know I need to take a step back and just breathe and it's okay if I don't get to all of what I want to do.

I've been talking about starting this blog for years. Right when I became really serious about looking for my #birthfamily I noticed some of my peers asking more questions about how I grew up, if I wanted to know more about my family, if I was mad that my parents didn't want me, etc. At first it bothered me but than it was something that I could explain and not have to do research about, not have to cite my sources...all I have to do is tell my truth and answer the questions I've been asked all my life. You would think that's easy...but actually it's harder than you would expect.

On top of being #adopted, I went through #diversity and #adversity. I dealt with #racism from both sides. I wasn't "black" enough to be considered black and I was a "white girl stuck in the wrong body". I've heard it my whole life! YES people actually say these things to me. I think that's when I started to develop my introvert side...I started shutting down and becoming shy in a way that made me feel SO AWKWARD! I still do that to this day and it ANNOYS me. Because of the somewhat "bullying" I wanted to be a voice for other people like me, who thought they were alone. I was the only "different" African American in my high school and there was already a limit of us there so it was hard. Even to this day it still happens.

I also went through a phase in my life that at the time was the WORST of my life. I was #molested. I'm not giving a timeframe, I'm NOT going into detail and I'm NOT here to out anybody. I'm simply here to share my experiences and share how I got through them. It was a rough time in my life but as weird as it is to say this...I'm thankful for the lessons I learned from it. I choose not to let it consume me in a negative way. I'm smarter, I use my VOICE in an uncomfortable situation and I FORGAVE for ME!

(This will defiantly be another blog at a later date.)

I went through something that ultimately changed me as a person too.

#BreastCancer was the ultimate GAME CHANGER for me. Before I was diagnosed, I was on a path that wasn't where I wanted to be. It came as a complete shock and stole the light from me. It was the darkest time in my life and the more rewarding time. I say rewarding because I actually had the time to stop, think and appreciate each and every breathe I took, each and every heart beat I felt, each and every person I got to see. In a sense my life could of ended and I wasn't going to spend what could of been my last moments here bitter. It wasn't happening. Cancer made me stronger and more closed off than I ever been.

I was scared. I was scared of where to start. I was scared and went into a protective mode. I was scared and started letting my thoughts get to me. I was scared of what to say. I was scared no one would read my personal life. I was scared that people wouldn't understand. I was scared of starting this new phase.

So I took a break and remembered all the things that made me smile, happy and encouraged. I'm not here to please people and make them think a specific way of me. I'm not here to convince you to like me, I'm here to help the person that needs help. I'm here to be the person I needed while I was going through all of that. I want to be that person for someone.

Now that I'm back and remember what my main goal was for starting this blog, I'll try to structure it more to flow! But like I said in my very first blog...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING and I still don't!

So I'm going to apply "*bleep* what people think about me" , kick my insecurities to the curb and just continue to smile and hopefully I can inspire someone!

#STAYSAFE AND #STAYHOME---->THANK YOU TO ALL #HEALTHCARE AND #ESSENTIAL WORKERS DURING #COVID19 and EVERYDAY!